Essay: 《不死鸟》The Immortal Bird by Sanmao

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In this tear-jerker essay, famous Taiwanese authoress Sanmao ponders on the value of her own life. It was written as she grieved the drowning of her beloved Spanish husband in 1979, and is all the more tragic in light of her suicide 12 years later.

《不bù死sǐ鸟diǎo》

一年多yī nián duō前qián，有yǒu份fěn刊物kān wù嘱zhú我wǒ写xiě稿gǎo，题目tí mù已经yǐ jīng指定zhǐ dìng了le出chū来lái：“如rú果guǒ你nǐ只有zhǐ yǒu三Sān个gě月yuè的de寿Shòu命mǐng，你nǐ将会jiāng huì去qù做zuò些xiē什shén么má事shì？”我wǒ想xiǎng了le很hěn久jǐu，一直yī zhí没有méi yǒu去qù答dā这zhè份fěn考kǎo卷juán。

荷Hé西Xī听说tīng shuō了le这zhè件jiàn事情shì qing，也Yě曾Zēng好奇hào qí的de问wèn过Guō我wǒ——“你nǐ会huì去qù做zuò些xiē什shén么má呢ne？”

当时dāng shí，我wǒ正zhēng在zài厨房chú fáng揉rōu面miàn，我wǒ举jǔ起qǐ了le沾zhan满Mǎn白粉bái fěn的de手shǒu，轻轻qīng qīng的de摸mo了le摸mo他tā的de头tóu发fā，慢màn慢màn的de说shuì：“傻shá子zǐ，我wǒ不会bù huì死sǐ的de，因为yīn wèi还Huán得dé给gěi你nǐ做zuò饺jiǎo子zǐ呢ne！”

讲jiǎng完wán这zhè句gōu话huà，荷Hé西Xī的de眼睛yǎn jing突然tū rán朦胧起qǐ来lái，他tā的de手shǒu臂bǐ从cóng我wǒ身shēn后Hòu绕rǎo上shǎng来lái抱bào着zhāo我wǒ，直到zhí dào饺jiǎo子zǐ上桌shàng zhuō了le才cái放开fàng kāi。

“你nǐ神经shén jīng啦lā？”我wǒ笑xiào问wèn他tā，他tā眼睛yǎn jing又yòu突然tū rán一yī红Hóng，也Yě笑xiào了le笑xiào，这zhè才cái一声yī shēng不bù响xiǎng的de在zài我wǒ的de对面duì miàn坐下zuò xia来lái。

以yǐ后Hòu我wǒ又yòu想到xiǎng dào过Guō这zhè份fěn欠qiàn稿gǎo，我wǒ的de答dā案ǎn仍rēng是shì那么nà me的de简单jiǎn dān而ér固gù执zhí：“我wǒ要yāo守shǒu住zhù我wǒ的de家jiā，护hù住zhù我wǒ丈zhǎng夫fū，一个yī ge有yǒu责zé任Rén的de人rén，是shì没有méi yǒu死亡sǐ wáng的de权利quán lì的de。”

虽然suī rán预知yù zhī死期sǐ qī是shì我wǒ喜欢xǐ huan的de一种yī zhǒng生shēng命mǐng结jiē束Shù的de方式fāng shì，可是kě shì我wǒ仍rēng然rán拒jǔ绝jué死亡sǐ wáng。在zài这zhè世上shì shàng有yǒu三Sān个gě与yú我wǒ个人gè rén死亡sǐ wáng牢牢láo láo相连xiāng lián的de生shēng命mǐng，那Nā便biàn是shì父亲fù qīn、母亲mǔ qīn，还有hái yǒu荷Hé西Xī，如rú果guǒ他tā们men其中qí zhōng的de任Rén何Hé一个yī ge在zài世上shì shàng还Huán活huó着zhāo一yī日rì，我wǒ便biàn不可以bù kě yǐ死sǐ，连Lián神Shén也Yě不bù能Néng将jiāng我wǒ拿ná去qù，因为yīn wèi我wǒ不bù肯kěn，而ér神Shén也Yě明白míng bai。

前qián一阵yī zhèn在zài深shēn夜里yè li与yú父母fù mǔ谈话tán huà，我wǒ突然tū rán说shuì：“如rú果guǒ选xuán择zē了le自己zì jǐ结jiē束Shù生shēng命mǐng的de这zhè条tiáo路Lù，你nǐ们men也Yě要yāo想xiǎng得dé明白míng bai，因为yīn wèi在zài我wǒ，那Nā将jiāng是shì一个yī ge更gēng幸福xìng fú的de归宿guī sù。”

母亲mǔ qīn听yǐn了le这zhè话huà，眼yǎn泪lěi迸běng了le出chū来lái，她tā不bù敢gǎn说shuì一句yī jù刺cī激ji我wǒ的话de huà，只是zhǐ shì一yī遍biàn又yòu一yī遍biàn喃喃的de说shuì：“你nǐ再zài试shì试shì，再zài试shì试shì活huó下去xià qù，不是bù shì不bù给gěi你nǐ选xuán择zē，可是kě shì请qǐng求qíu你nǐ再zài试shì一次yī cì。”

父亲fù qīn便biàn不同bù tóng了le，他tā坐Zuò在zài黯淡dǎn的de灯光dēng guāng下xià，语气yǔ qì几jī乎hu已经yǐ jīng失shī去qù了le控kǒng制zhì，他tā说shuì：“你nǐ讲jiǎng这zhè样yàng无情wú qíng的话de huà，便biàn是shì叫jiào爸爸bà ba生shēng活huó在zài地de狱yǔ里lǐ，因为yīn wèi你nǐ今天jīn tiān既然jì rán已经yǐ jīng说shuì了le出chū来lái，使shǐ我wǒ，这个zhè ge做zuò父亲fù qīn的de人rén，日日rì rì要yāo活huó在zài恐kóng惧jǔ里lǐ，不bù晓xiáo得dé那Nā一yī天tiān，我wǒ会huì突然tū rán失shī去qù我wǒ的de女儿nu:3 ér。如rú果guǒ你nǐ敢gǎn做zuò出chū这zhè样yàng毁灭huǐ miè自己zì jǐ的de生shēng命mǐng的de事情shì qing，那么nà me你nǐ便biàn是shì我wǒ的de仇人rén，我wǒ不bù但dàn今生jīn shēng要yāo与yú你nǐ为wéi仇，我wǒ世世shì shì代代dài dài都Dū要yāo与yú你nǐ为wéi仇，因为yīn wèi是shì——你nǐ，杀死shā sǐ了le我wǒ最zuì最zuì心爱xīn ài的de女儿nu:3 ér——。”

这时zhè shí，我wǒ的de泪lěi水Shuǐ瀑pǔ布bù也Yě似shǐ的de流líu了le出chū来lái，我wǒ坐Zuò在zài床chuáng上shǎng，不bù能Néng回答huí dá父亲fù qīn一个yī ge字zì，房间fáng jiān里lǐ一yī片piān死sǐ寂jǐ，然rán后Hòu父亲fù qīn站zhàn了le起qǐ来lái慢màn慢màn的de走出zǒu chū去qù。母亲mǔ qīn的de脸liǎn，在zài我wǒ的de泪lěi光guāng中看zhōng kàn过去guò qù，好hǎo似shǐ静jìng静jìng的de在zài抽chōu筋jin。

苍cang天tiān在zài上shǎng，我wǒ必bì是shì疯狂fēng kuáng了le才cái会huì对duì父母fù mǔ说出shuō chū那Nā样yàng的话de huà来lái。

我wǒ又一次yòu yī cì明白míng bai了le，我wǒ的de生shēng命mǐng在zài爱ài我wǒ的de人心rén xīn中Zhōng是shì那么nà me的de重要zhòng yào，我wǒ的de念niàn头tóu，使shǐ得dé经过jīng guò了le那么nà me多duō沧cang桑sang和hé人生rén shēng的de父母fù mǔ几jī乎hu崩bēng溃kuǐ，在zài女儿nu:3 ér的de面前miàn qián，他tā们men是shì不bù肯kěn设shè防fāng的de让ràng我wǒ一次yī cì又一次yòu yī cì的de刺伤cì shāng，而ér我wǒ，好hǎo似shǐ只有zhǐ yǒu在zài丈zhǎng夫fū的de面前miàn qián才cái会huì那个nà ge样yàng子zǐ。许多xǔ duō个gě夜晚yè wǎn，许多xǔ duō次cì午wǔ夜yè梦mèng回Huí的de时shí候hòu，我wǒ躲duǒ在zài黑暗hēi àn里lǐ，思念sī niàn荷Hé西Xī几jī成Chéng疯狂fēng kuáng，相思xiāng sī，像xiàng虫chóng一yī样yàng的de慢màn慢màn啃着zhāo我wǒ的de身体shēn tǐ，直到zhí dào我wǒ成为chéng wéi一个yī ge空空kōng kōng茫māng茫māng的de大dà洞dǒng。夜yè是shì那Nā样yàng的de长cháng，那么nà me的de黑Hēi，窗chuāng外wài的de雨yǔ，是shì我wǒ心里xīn li的de泪lěi，永远yǒng yuǎn没有méi yǒu滴dī完wán的de一yī天tiān。我wǒ总zǒng是shì在zài想xiǎng荷Hé西Xī，总zǒng是shì又yòu在zài心xīn头tóu里lǐ自言zì yán自语zì yǔ：“感gǎn谢Xiè上天shàng tiān，今日jīn rì活huó着zhāo的de是shì我wǒ，痛tòng着zhāo的de也Yě是shì我wǒ，如rú果guǒ叫jiào荷Hé西Xī来lái忍rén受shòu这zhè一yī分fēn又yòu一yī分钟fēn zhōng的de长夜cháng yè，那Nā我wǒ是shì万万wàn wàn不bù肯kěn的de。幸好xìng hǎo这些zhè xiē都Dū没有méi yǒu轮lūn到dào他tā，要是yào shi他tā像xiàng我wǒ这zhè样yàng的de活huó下去xià qù，那么nà me我wǒ拚了le命mǐng也Yě要yāo跟上gēn shàng帝dǐ争zhēng了le回Huí来lái换huàn他tā。”

失shī去qù荷Hé西Xī我wǒ尚Shàng且qiě如此rú cǐ，如rú果guǒ今天jīn tiān是shì我wǒ先xiān走zǒu了le一yī步Bù，那么nà me我wǒ的de父亲fù qīn、母亲mǔ qīn及jí荷Hé西Xī又yòu会huì是shì什shén么má情况qíng kuàng？我wǒ从cóng来lái没有méi yǒu怀huāi疑yí过Guō他tā们men对duì我wǒ的de爱ài，让ràng我wǒ的de父母fù mǔ在zài辛劳xīn láo了le半生bàn shēng之zhī后Hòu，付Fù出chū了le他tā们men全部quán bù之zhī后Hòu，再zài叫jiào他tā们men失shī去qù爱ài女nu:3，那么nà me他tā们men的de慰wěi藉和hé幸福xìng fú也Yě将jiāng完全wán quán丧sǎng失shī了le，这zhè样yàng尖jiān锐ruǐ的de打击dǎ jī不可以bù kě yǐ由yóu他tā们men来lái承chēng受shòu，那是nà shi太tài残酷cán kù也Yě太tài不公bù gōng平Píng了le。

要yāo荷Hé西Xī半bàn途tū折zhē翼Yì，强qiāng迫pǒ他tā失shī去qù相Xiāng依yi为wéi命mǐng的de爱ài妻qī，即jí使shǐ他tā日rì后Hòu活huó了le下去xià qù，在zài他tā的de心xīn灵līng上shǎng会huì有yǒu怎zěn么má样yàng的de伤shāng痕hēn，会huì有yǒu什shén么má样yàng的de烙印Yìn？如rú果guǒ因为yīn wèi我wǒ的de消xiāo失shī而ér使shǐ得dé荷Hé西Xī的de余生yú shēng再zài也Yě不bù有yǒu一yī丝si笑容xiào róng，那么nà me我wǒ便biàn更是gèng shì不bù能Néng死sǐ。

这些zhè xiē，又yòu一些yī xiē，因为yīn wèi我wǒ的de死亡sǐ wáng将jiāng带dài给gěi我wǒ父母fù mǔ及jí丈zhǎng夫fū的de大dà痛tòng苦kǔ，大dà劫jiē难nán，每měi想起xiǎng qǐ来lái，便biàn是shì不bù忍rén，不bù忍rén，不bù忍rén又yòu不bù忍rén。毕Bì竟jǐng，先xiān走zǒu的de是shì比较bǐ jiào幸福xìng fú的de，留下líu xià来lái的de，也Yě并bìng不是bù shì强qiāng者zhě，可是kě shì，在zài这zhè彻chě心xīn的de苦kǔ，切qiē肤fū的de疼痛téng tòng里lǐ，我wǒ仍rēng是shì要说yào shuō——“为了wèi le爱ài的de缘yuān故gù，这zhè永别yǒng bié的de苦kǔ杯bēi，还是hái shi让ràng我wǒ来lái喝hē下xià吧bā！”

我wǒ愿yuàn意yì在zài父亲fù qīn、母亲mǔ qīn、丈zhǎng夫fū的de生shēng命mǐng圆环yuán huán里lǐ做zuò最zuì后Hòu离世lí shì的de一个yī ge，如rú果guǒ我wǒ先xiān去qù了le，而ér将jiāng这zhè份fěn我wǒ已yǐ尝chāng过Guō的de苦kǔ杯bēi留líu给gěi世上shì shàng的de父母fù mǔ，那么nà me我wǒ是shì死sǐ不bù瞑目的mù dì，因为yīn wèi我wǒ明白míng bai了le爱ài，而ér我wǒ的de爱ài有yǒu多duō深shēn，我wǒ的de牵qiān挂guà和hé不舍bù shě便biàn有yǒu多duō长cháng。

所以suǒ yǐ，我wǒ是shì没有méi yǒu选xuán择zē的de做zuò了le暂zǎn时shí的de不bù死sǐ鸟diǎo，虽然suī rán我wǒ的de翅chì膀báng断duàn了le，我wǒ的de羽毛yǔ máo脱tuō了le，我wǒ已yǐ没有méi yǒu另lìng一半yī bàn可以kě yǐ比翼bǐ yì，可是kě shì那Nā颗ke碎suì成片chéng piàn片piān的de心xīn，仍rēng是shì父母fù mǔ的de珍宝zhēn bǎo，再zài痛tòng，再zài伤shāng，只有zhǐ yǒu他tā们men不bù肯kěn我wǒ死去sǐ qù，我wǒ便biàn也Yě不bù再zài有yǒu放弃fàng qì他tā们men的de念niàn头tóu。

总zǒng有yǒu那么nà me一yī天tiān，在zài超chao越Yuè我wǒ们men时空shí kōng的de地方dì fāng，会huì有yǒu六lìu张Zhāng手shǒu臂bǐ，温wen柔róu平Píng和hé的de将jiāng我wǒ迎yíng入rù永yǒng恒hēng，那时nà shí候hòu，我wǒ会huì又yòu哭kū又yòu笑xiào的de喊hǎn着zhāo他tā们men——爸爸bà ba、妈妈mā ma、荷Hé西Xī，然rán后Hòu没有méi yǒu回顾huí gù的de狂奔kuáng bēn过去guò qù。

这zhè份fěn文字wén zì原Yuán来lái是shì为wéi另lìng一个yī ge题目tí mù而ér写xiě的de，可是kě shì我wǒ拒jǔ绝了jué le只有zhǐ yǒu三Sān个gě月yuè寿Shòu命mǐng的de假gēi想xiǎng，生shēng的de艰难jiān nán，心xīn的de空虚kōng xū，死别sǐ bié时shí的de碎suì心xīn又yòu碎suì心xīn，都Dū由yóu我wǒ一个人yī gè rén来lái承chēng当dāng吧bā！

父亲fù qīn、母亲mǔ qīn、荷Hé西Xī，我wǒ爱ài你nǐ们men胜shèng于Yú自己zì jǐ的de生shēng命mǐng，请qǐng求qíu上shǎng苍cang看见kàn jiàn我wǒ的de诚chēng心xīn，给gěi我wǒ在zài世上shì shàng的de时日shí rì长久cháng jǐu，护hù住zhù我wǒ父母fù mǔ的de幸福xìng fú和hé年岁nián suì，那么nà me我wǒ，在zài这zhè份fěn责zé任Rén之下zhī xià，便biàn不bù再zài轻言qīng yán消xiāo失shī和hé死亡sǐ wáng了le。

荷Hé西Xī，你nǐ答应dā ying过Guō的de，你nǐ要yāo在zài那边nà bian等děng我wǒ，有yǒu你nǐ这zhè一句yī jù承chēng诺nuǒ，我wǒ便biàn还有hái yǒu一个yī ge盼pǎn望wàng了le。

Hover a word for its pinyin & meaning; click to pin it.

Lesson vocabulary 497 words

Word	Pinyin	Meaning
一年多	yī nián duō	more than a year
前	qián	front; forward; ahead; first; top (followed by a number); future; ago; before; BC (e.g. 前293年); former; formerly
有	yǒu	to have; there is; (bound form) having; with; -ful; -ed; -al (as in 有意[you3 yi4] intentional)
份	fěn	classifier for gifts, newspaper, magazine, papers, reports, contracts etc
刊物	kān wù	publication
嘱	zhú	to enjoin; to urge
我	wǒ	I; me; my
写	xiě	to write
稿	gǎo	variant of 稿[gao3]; manuscript; draft; stalk of grain
题目	tí mù	subject; title; topic; exercise or exam question (CL:道[dao4])
已经	yǐ jīng	already
指定	zhǐ dìng	to appoint; to assign; to indicate clearly and with certainty; designated
了	le	(completed action marker); (modal particle indicating change of state, situation now); (modal particle intensifying preceding clause); (bound form) clear in one's mind; to understand clearly
出	chū	to go out; to come out; to arise; to occur; to produce; to yield; to go beyond; to exceed; (used after a verb to indicate an outward direction or a positive result); classifier for…; variant of 出[chu1] (classifier for plays or chapters of classical novels)
来	lái	to come; (used as a substitute for a more specific verb); hither (directional complement for motion toward the speaker, as in 回來\|回来[hui2 lai5]); ever since (as in 自古以來\|自古以来[zi4 gu3…
如	rú	as; as if; such as
果	guǒ	fruit; result; resolute; indeed; if really
你	nǐ	you (informal, as opposed to courteous 您[nin2]); you (Note: In Taiwan, 妳 is used to address females, but in mainland China, it is not commonly used. Instead, 你 is used to address both males and females.)
只有	zhǐ yǒu	only have ...; there is only ...; (used in combination with 才[cai2]) it is only if ... (that one can ...) (as in 只有通過治療才能痊愈\|只有通过治疗才能痊愈[zhi3 you3 tong1 guo4 zhi4 liao2 cai2 neng2 qu…
三	Sān	surname San
个	gě	used in 自個兒\|自个儿[zi4 ge3 r5]; variant of 個\|个[ge4]
月	yuè	moon; month; monthly; CL:個\|个[ge4],輪\|轮[lun2]
的	de	of; ~'s (possessive particle); (used after an attribute when it modifies a noun); (used at the end of a declarative sentence for emphasis); (used after a noun, verb or adjective to…
寿	Shòu	surname Shou
命	mǐng	life; order or command
将会	jiāng huì	auxiliary verb introducing future action: may (be able to); will (cause); should (enable); going to
去	qù	to go; to go to (a place); (of a time etc) last; just passed; to send; to remove; to get rid of; to reduce; to be apart from in space or time; to die (euphemism); to play (a part);…
做	zuò	to make; to produce; to write; to compose; to do; to engage in; to hold (a party etc); (of a person) to be (an intermediary, a good student etc); to become (husband and wife, frien…
些	xiē	classifier indicating a small amount or small number greater than 1: some, a few, several
什	shén	what
么	má	exclamatory final particle; variant of 麼\|么[me5]
事	shì	matter; thing; item; work; affair; CL:件[jian4],樁\|桩[zhuang1],回[hui2]
想	xiǎng	to think (about); to think of; to devise; to think (that); to believe (that); to desire; to want (to); to miss (feel wistful about the absence of)
很	hěn	very; quite; (also, often used before an adjective without intensifying its meaning, i.e. as a meaningless syntactic element)
久	jǐu	(of a period of time) long
一直	yī zhí	straight (in a straight line); continuously; always; all the way through
没有	méi yǒu	haven't; hasn't; doesn't exist; to not have; to not be
答	dā	bound form having the same meaning as the free word 答[da2], used in 答應\|答应[da1 ying5], 答理[da1 li5] etc
这	zhè	(pronoun) this; these; (bound form) this; the (followed by a noun); (bound form) this; these (followed by a classifier) (in this sense, commonly pr. [zhei4], esp. in Beijing)
考	kǎo	to beat; to hit; variant of 考[kao3]; to inspect; to test; to take an exam; to check; to verify; to test; to examine; to take an exam; to take an entrance exam for; deceased father
卷	juán	to roll up; (slang) to compete to an unhealthy degree; hypercompetitive; classifier for small rolled-up things (wad of paper money, movie reel etc)
荷	Hé	Holland; the Netherlands (abbr. for 荷蘭\|荷兰[He2 lan2])
西	Xī	the West; abbr. for Spain 西班牙[Xi1 ban1 ya2]; Spanish
听说	tīng shuō	to hear (sth said); one hears (that); hearsay; listening and speaking
件	jiàn	item; component; classifier for events, things, clothes etc
事情	shì qing	affair; matter; thing; business; CL:件[jian4],樁\|桩[zhuang1]
也	Yě	surname Ye
曾	Zēng	surname Zeng
好奇	hào qí	inquisitive; curious; inquisitiveness; curiosity
问	wèn	to ask; to inquire
过	Guō	surname Guo
会	huì	can; to have the skill; to know how to; to be likely to; to be sure to; to meet; to get together; meeting; gathering; (suffix) union; group; association; (bound form) a moment (Tai…
呢	ne	(sentence-final particle) used in questions to link back to prior discourse or context ("what about...?", "and...?"); (sentence-final particle) indicating that a state or situation…
当时	dāng shí	then; at that time
正	zhēng	first month of the lunar year
在	zài	to exist; to be alive; (of sb or sth) to be (located) at; (used before a verb to indicate an action in progress)
厨房	chú fáng	kitchen; CL:間\|间[jian1]
揉	rōu	to knead; to rub
面	miàn	face; side; surface; aspect; top; classifier for objects with flat surfaces such as drums, mirrors, flags etc; variant of 麵\|面[mian4]; flour; noodles; (of food) soft (not crunchy); (slang) (of a person) ineffectual; spineless
举	jǔ	variant of 舉\|举[ju3]; to lift; to hold up; to cite; to enumerate; to act; to raise; to choose; to elect; act; move; deed
起	qǐ	to rise; to raise; to get up; to set out; to start; to appear; to launch; to initiate (action); to draft; to establish; to get (from a depot or counter); verb suffix, to start; sta…
沾	zhan	to moisten; to receive benefit or advantage through a contact
满	Mǎn	Manchu ethnic group
白粉	bái fěn	face powder; chalk powder; heroin
手	shǒu	hand; (formal) to hold; person engaged in certain types of work; person skilled in certain types of work; personal(ly); convenient; classifier for skill; CL:雙\|双[shuang1],隻\|只[zhi1]
轻轻	qīng qīng	lightly; softly
摸	mo	to feel with the hand; to stroke; to steal
他	tā	(third-person singular) (since the early 20th century, usu. male) he; him; his; (bound form) other; another; some other (as in 他日[ta1 ri4] and 他人[ta1 ren2])
头	tóu	head; hair style; the top; end; beginning or end; a stub; remnant; chief; boss; side; aspect; first; leading; classifier for pigs or livestock; CL:個\|个[ge4]
发	fā	to send out; to show (one's feeling); to issue; to develop; to make a bundle of money; classifier for gunshots (rounds); hair; Taiwan pr. [fa3]
慢	màn	slow
说	shuì	to persuade; variant of 說\|说[shuo1]
傻	shá	foolish
子	zǐ	son; child; seed; egg; small thing; 1st earthly branch: 11 p.m.–1 a.m., midnight, 11th solar month (7th December to 5th January), year of the rat; viscount, fourth of five orders o…
不会	bù huì	improbable; unlikely; will not (act, happen etc); not able; not having learned to do sth; (coll.) (Tw) don't mention it; not at all
死	sǐ	to die; impassable; uncrossable; inflexible; rigid; extremely; damned
因为	yīn wèi	because; owing to; on account of
还	Huán	surname Huan
得	dé	to obtain; to get; to gain; to catch (a disease); proper; suitable; proud; contented; to allow; to permit; ready; finished
给	gěi	to; for; for the benefit of; to give; to allow; to do sth (for sb); (grammatical equivalent of 被); (grammatical equivalent of 把); (sentence intensifier)
饺	jiǎo	dumplings with meat filling
讲	jiǎng	to speak; to explain; to negotiate; to emphasize; to be particular about; as far as sth is concerned; speech; lecture
完	wán	to finish; to be over; whole; complete; entire
句	gōu	variant of 勾[gou1]
话	huà	dialect; language; spoken words; speech; talk; words; conversation; what sb said; CL:種\|种[zhong3],席[xi2],句[ju4],口[kou3],番[fan1]; old variant of 話\|话[hua4]
眼睛	yǎn jing	eye; CL:隻\|只[zhi1],雙\|双[shuang1]
突然	tū rán	sudden; abrupt; unexpected
朦
胧
臂	bǐ	arm
从	cóng	variant of 從\|从[cong2]; surname Cong
身	shēn	body; life; oneself; personally; one's morality and conduct; the main part of a structure or body; pregnant; classifier for sets of clothes: suit, twinset; Kangxi radical 158
后	Hòu	surname Hou; back; behind; rear; afterwards; after; later; post-
绕	rǎo	to wind; to rotate around; to move around; to by-pass; to confuse
上	shǎng	used in 上聲\|上声[shang3 sheng1]
抱	bào	to hold; to carry (in one's arms); to hug; to embrace; to surround; to cherish; (coll.) (of clothes) to fit nicely
着	zhāo	variant of 著\|着[zhao1]; a move in chess (Taiwan pr. [zhuo2]); trick; tactic; (dialect) okay; all right; (dialect) to put in; to add
直到	zhí dào	until
上桌	shàng zhuō	to place (food) on the table; to sit down to eat (at the dining table)
才	cái	ability; talent; sb of a certain type; a capable individual; then and only then; just now; (before an expression of quantity) only; (emphatic, esp. in contrast or correction) reall…; (variant of 才[cai2]) just now; (variant of 才[cai2]) (before an expression of quantity) only
放开	fàng kāi	to let go; to release
神经	shén jīng	nerve; mental state; (coll.) unhinged; nutjob
啦	lā	(onom.) sound of singing, cheering etc; (phonetic); (dialect) to chat
笑	xiào	old variant of 笑[xiao4]; to laugh; to smile; to laugh at
又	yòu	(once) again; also; both... and...; and yet; (used for emphasis) anyway
一	yī	one; single; a (article); as soon as; entire; whole; all; throughout; "one" radical in Chinese characters (Kangxi radical 1); also pr. [yao1] for greater clarity when spelling out …
红	Hóng	surname Hong
一声	yī shēng	first tone in Mandarin (high, level tone)
不	bù	no; not so; (bound form) not; un-
响	xiǎng	echo; sound; noise; to make a sound; to sound; to ring; loud; classifier for noises
对面	duì miàn	opposite; across (the street etc); directly in front of one; up ahead; face to face
坐下	zuò xia	to sit down
以	yǐ	old variant of 以[yi3]; abbr. for Israel 以色列[Yi3 se4 lie4]
想到	xiǎng dào	to think of; to call to mind; to anticipate
欠	qiàn	to owe; to lack; (literary) to be deficient in; (bound form) yawn; to raise slightly (a part of one's body)
案	ǎn	(legal) case; record; table
仍	rēng	still; yet; (literary) frequently; often
是	shì	to be (followed by substantives only); correct; right; true; (respectful acknowledgement of a command) very well; (adverb for emphatic assertion); variant of 是[shi4]
那么	nà me	like that; in that way; to that extent; (before a number) ... or so; about ...; then; in that case
简单	jiǎn dān	simple; not complicated
而	ér	and; as well as; and so; but (not); yet (not); (indicates causal relation); (indicates change of state); (indicates contrast)
固	gù	hard; strong; solid; sure; assuredly; undoubtedly; of course; indeed; admittedly
执	zhí	to execute (a plan); to grasp
要	yāo	(bound form) to demand; to coerce
守	shǒu	to guard; to defend; to keep watch; to abide by the law; to observe (rules or ritual); nearby; adjoining
住	zhù	to live; to reside; to stay; to stop; to cease; (result complement indicating firmness or a stable achieved state)
家	jiā	used in 傢伙\|家伙[jia1 huo5] and 傢俱\|家俱[jia1 ju4]; home; family; (polite) my (sister, uncle etc); classifier for families or businesses; refers to the philosophical schools of pre-Han China; noun suffix for a specialist in some act…
护	hù	to protect
丈	zhǎng	measure of length, ten Chinese feet (3.3 m); husband
夫	fū	husband; man; manual worker; conscripted laborer (old)
一个	yī ge	a; an; one; the whole (afternoon, summer vacation etc)
责	zé	duty; responsibility; to reproach; to blame
任	Rén	surname Ren
人	rén	person; people; CL:個\|个[ge4],位[wei4],名[ming2]
死亡	sǐ wáng	to die; death
权利	quán lì	right (i.e. an entitlement to sth); (classical) power and wealth
虽然	suī rán	although; even though (often used correlatively with 可是[ke3 shi4] or 但是[dan4 shi4] etc)
预知	yù zhī	to anticipate; to foresee
死期	sǐ qī	time of death; limited to a fixed period of time; fixed term
喜欢	xǐ huan	to like; to be fond of
一种	yī zhǒng	one kind of; one type of
生	shēng	to grow; to give birth; to produce; to be born; to arise; to occur; to light (a fire); to live; to be alive; life; raw; uncooked; unprocessed; unfamiliar; strange; (bound form) stu…
结	jiē	(of a plant) to produce (fruit or seeds); Taiwan pr. [jie2]
束	Shù	surname Shu
方式	fāng shì	way; method; manner; mode; pattern (of behavior etc); CL:種\|种[zhong3]
可是	kě shì	but; however; (used for emphasis) indeed
然	rán	correct; right; so; thus; like this; -ly
拒	jǔ	to resist; to refuse
绝	jué	to cut short; extinct; to disappear; to vanish; absolutely; by no means; variant of 絕\|绝[jue2]
世上	shì shàng	on earth
与	yú	variant of 歟\|欤[yu2]
个人	gè rén	an individual; oneself; (attributive) personal; one's own
牢牢	láo láo	firmly; safely
相连	xiāng lián	to link; to join; link; connection
那	Nā	surname Na
便	biàn	plain; informal; suitable; convenient; opportune; to urinate or defecate; equivalent to 就[jiu4]: then; in that case; even if; soon afterwards
父亲	fù qīn	father; also pr. [fu4 qin5]; CL:個\|个[ge4]
母亲	mǔ qīn	mother
还有	hái yǒu	there still remain(s); there is (or are) still; in addition
们	men	plural marker for pronouns, and nouns referring to individuals
其中	qí zhōng	among; in; included among these
何	Hé	surname He
活	huó	to live; alive; living; work; workmanship
日	rì	(bound form) sun; day; day of the month; (bound form) Japan (abbr. for 日本[Ri4 ben3]); (vulgar) to fuck; to have sex with
不可以	bù kě yǐ	may not
连	Lián	surname Lian
神	Shén	God
能	Néng	surname Neng
将	jiāng	will; shall; to use; to take; to checkmate; just a short while ago; (introduces object of main verb, used in the same way as 把[ba3])
拿	ná	old variant of 拿[na2]; variant of 拿[na2]; to hold; to seize; to catch; to apprehend; to take; (used in the same way as 把[ba3]: to mark the following noun as a direct object)
肯	kěn	old variant of 肯[ken3]; to agree; to consent; to be willing to
明白	míng bai	clear; obvious; unequivocal; sensible; reasonable; to understand; to realize
一阵	yī zhèn	a burst; a fit; a peal; a spell (period of time)
深	shēn	old variant of 深[shen1]; (lit. and fig.) deep
夜里	yè li	during the night; at night; nighttime
父母	fù mǔ	father and mother; parents
谈话	tán huà	to talk (with sb); to have a conversation; talk; conversation; CL:次[ci4]
选	xuán	to choose; to select
择	zē	to select; to pick over; to differentiate; also pr. [zhai2]
自己	zì jǐ	oneself; (attributive) one's own
条	tiáo	strip; item; article; clause (of law or treaty); classifier for long thin things (ribbon, river, road, trousers etc)
路	Lù	surname Lu
更	gēng	to change or replace; to experience; one of the five two-hour periods into which the night was formerly divided; watch (e.g. of a sentry or guard)
幸福	xìng fú	happiness; happy; blessed
归宿	guī sù	place to return to; home; final destination; ending
听	yǐn	smile (archaic); to listen to; to hear; to heed; to obey; a can (loanword from English "tin"); classifier for canned beverages; to let be; to allow (Taiwan pr. [ting4]); (literary) to administer; t…
眼	yǎn	eye (CL:隻\|只[zhi1],雙\|双[shuang1]); (often used with 一[yi1]) a look; a glance; small hole; (bound form) salient point; classifier for wells, cave-dwellings etc
泪	lěi	(bound form) tears; teardrops
迸	běng	to burst forth; to crack
她	tā	she
敢	gǎn	to dare; daring; (polite) may I venture
一句	yī jù	a line of verse; a sentence
刺	cī	(onom.) whoosh
激	ji	to arouse; to excite; sharp; violent
的话	de huà	if (coming after a conditional clause)
只是	zhǐ shì	merely; only; just; nothing but; simply; but; however
遍	biàn	variant of 遍[bian4]; everywhere; all over; classifier for actions: one time
喃
再	zài	again; once more; re-; further; beyond this point of time; (before an adjective) more; then (after sth, and not until then); no matter how ... (followed by an adjective or verb, an…
试	shì	to test; to try; experiment; examination; test
下去	xià qù	to go down; to descend; to go on; to continue; (of a servant) to withdraw
不是	bù shì	no; is not; not
请	qǐng	to ask; to invite; please (do sth); to treat (to a meal etc); to request
求	qíu	to seek; to look for; to request; to demand; to beseech
一次	yī cì	first; first time; once; (math.) linear (of degree one)
不同	bù tóng	different; distinct; not the same; not alike
坐	Zuò	surname Zuo
黯
淡	dǎn	insipid; weak; light in color; indifferent
灯光	dēng guāng	(stage) lighting; light
下	xià	down; downwards; below; lower; later; next (week etc); second (of two parts); to decline; to go down; to arrive at (a decision, conclusion etc); measure word to show the frequency …
语气	yǔ qì	tone; manner of speaking; mood; CL:個\|个[ge4]
几	jī	small table; (literary) almost
乎	hu	(classical particle similar to 於\|于[yu2]) in; from; than
失	shī	to lose; to miss; to fail
控	kǒng	to control; to charge; to invert a container to empty it; enthusiast; -phile or -philia
制	zhì	system; to control; to regulate; variant of 製\|制[zhi4]; to manufacture; to make
样	yàng	manner; pattern; way; appearance; shape; classifier: kind, type
无情	wú qíng	pitiless; ruthless; merciless; heartless
叫	jiào	to shout; to call; to order; to ask; to be called; by (indicates agent in the passive mood); variant of 叫[jiao4]
爸爸	bà ba	(coll.) father; dad; CL:位[wei4]
地	de	-ly; structural particle: used before a verb or adjective, linking it to preceding modifying adverbial adjunct
狱	yǔ	prison
里	lǐ	variant of 裡\|里[li3]; lining; interior; inside; internal; also written 裏\|里[li3]; surname Li
今天	jīn tiān	today; the present time; now
既然	jì rán	since; as; this being the case
使	shǐ	to make; to cause; to enable; to use; to employ; to send; to instruct sb to do sth; envoy; messenger
这个	zhè ge	(pronoun) this; (adjective) this
日日	rì rì	every day
恐	kóng	afraid; to fear
惧	jǔ	to fear
晓	xiáo	dawn; to know; to make explicit
天	tiān	day; sky; heaven
女儿	nu:3 ér	daughter
毁灭	huǐ miè	to perish; to ruin; to destroy
仇
但	dàn	but; yet; however; still; merely; only; just
今生	jīn shēng	this lifetime
为	wéi	as (in the capacity of); to take sth as; to act as; to serve as; to behave as; to become; to be; to do; by (in the passive voice); variant of 為\|为[wei2]
世世	shì shì	from age to age
代代	dài dài	from generation to generation; generation after generation
都	Dū	surname Du
杀死	shā sǐ	to kill
最	zuì	variant of 最[zui4]; old variant of 最[zui4]; (before an adjective or verb) to the highest degree; (the) most ...; -est; (after 之[zhi1]) best or most extreme example (e.g. 世界之最[shi4 jie4 zhi1 zui4] "the greatest in the world")
心爱	xīn ài	beloved
这时	zhè shí	at this time; at this moment
水	Shuǐ	surname Shui; Shui ethnic group
瀑	pǔ	shower (rain)
布	bù	variant of 布[bu4]; to announce; to spread; cloth; to declare; to announce; to spread; to make known
似	shǐ	used in 似的[shi4 de5]
流	líu	to flow; to disseminate; to circulate or spread; to move or drift; to degenerate; to banish or send into exile; stream of water or sth resembling one; class, rate or grade
床	chuáng	bed; couch (furniture that one can lie down on) (CL:張\|张[zhang1]); bed; bottom (of rivers, oceans, gardens etc); frame; chassis; classifier for blankets, quilts etc; variant of 床[chuang2]
回答	huí dá	to reply; to answer; reply; answer
字	zì	letter; symbol; character; word; CL:個\|个[ge4]; courtesy or style name traditionally given to males aged 20 in dynastic China
房间	fáng jiān	room; CL:間\|间[jian1]
片	piān	disk; sheet
寂	jǐ	silent; Taiwan pr. [ji2]
站	zhàn	station; to stand; to halt; to stop; branch of a company or organization; website
走出	zǒu chū	to leave (a room etc); to go out through (a door etc)
脸	liǎn	face; CL:張\|张[zhang1],個\|个[ge4]
光	guāng	light; ray (CL:道[dao4]); bright; shiny; only; merely; used up; finished; to leave (a part of the body) uncovered
中看	zhōng kàn	pleasant to the eye; Taiwan pr. [zhong4 kan4]
过去	guò qù	(in the) past; former; previous; to go over; to pass by
好	hǎo	good; appropriate; proper; all right!; (before a verb) easy to; (before a verb) good to; (before an adjective for exclamatory effect) so; (verb complement indicating completion); (…
静	jìng	still; calm; quiet; not moving
抽	chōu	to draw out; to pull out from in between; to remove part of the whole; to inhale (esp. smoke); (of fabric etc) to shrink; (of certain plants) to sprout; to bud; to whip; to thrash;…
筋	jin	muscle; veins visible under the skin
苍	cang	dark green; grey; pale; the heavens; grey-haired
必	bì	certainly; must; will; necessarily
疯狂	fēng kuáng	crazy; frenzied; wild
对	duì	right; correct; towards; at; for; concerning; regarding; to treat (sb a certain way); to face; (bound form) opposite; facing; matching; to match together; to adjust; to fit; to sui…
说出	shuō chū	to speak out; to declare (one's view)
又一次	yòu yī cì	yet again; once again; once more
爱	ài	to love; to be fond of; to like; affection; to be inclined (to do sth); to tend to (happen)
人心	rén xīn	popular feeling; the will of the people
中	Zhōng	(bound form) China; Chinese; surname Zhong
重要	zhòng yào	important; significant; major
念	niàn	variant of 念[nian4], to read aloud; to read; to study (a subject); to attend (a school); to read aloud; to give (sb) a tongue-lashing (CL:頓\|顿[dun4]); to miss (sb); idea; remembrance; twenty (banker's anti-fraud numer…
经过	jīng guò	to pass; to go through; process; course; CL:個\|个[ge4]
多	duō	many; much; more; a lot of; too many; in excess; (after a numeral) ... odd; how (to what extent) (Taiwan pr. [duo2]); (bound form) multi-; poly-
沧	cang	(bound form) (of water, esp. the ocean) deep blue-green
桑	sang	mulberry tree; surname Sang
和	hé	old variant of 和[he2]; surname He; (literary) harmonious (variant of 和[he2])
人生	rén shēng	life (one's time on earth)
崩	bēng	to collapse; to fall into ruins; death of king or emperor; demise
溃	kuǐ	used in 潰膿\|溃脓[hui4 nong2]
面前	miàn qián	in front of; facing; (in the) presence (of)
设	shè	to set up; to put in place; (math.) given; suppose; if
防	fāng	to protect; to guard against
让	ràng	to yield; to permit; to let sb do sth; to have sb do sth; to make sb (feel sad etc); by (indicates the agent in a passive clause, like 被[bei4])
刺伤	cì shāng	to stab
那个	nà ge	that one; that thing; that (as opposed to this); (used before a verb or adjective for emphasis); (used to humorously or indirectly refer to sth embarrassing, funny etc, or when one…
许多	xǔ duō	many; a lot of; much
夜晚	yè wǎn	night; CL:個\|个[ge4]
次	cì	next in sequence; second; the second (day, time etc); secondary; vice-; sub-; infra-; inferior quality; substandard; order; sequence; hypo- (chemistry); classifier for enumerated e…
午	wǔ	7th earthly branch: 11 a.m.-1 p.m., noon, 5th solar month (6th June-6th July), year of the Horse; ancient Chinese compass point: 180° (south)
夜	yè	variant of 夜[ye4]; night
梦	mèng	dream (CL:場\|场[chang2]); (bound form) to dream
回	Huí	Hui ethnic group (Chinese Muslims); to curve; to return; to revolve; variant of 迴\|回[hui2]
时	shí	old variant of 時\|时[shi2]; surname Shi
候	hòu	to wait; to inquire after; to watch; season; climate; (old) period of five days
躲	duǒ	to hide; to dodge; to avoid
黑暗	hēi àn	dark; darkly; darkness
思念	sī niàn	to think of; to long for; to miss
成	Chéng	surname Cheng; short name for Chengdu 成都[Cheng2 du1]
相思	xiāng sī	to yearn; to pine
像	xiàng	to resemble; to be like; to look as if; such as; appearance; image; portrait; image under a mapping (math.)
虫	chóng	variant of 蟲\|虫[chong2]; lower form of animal life, including insects, insect larvae, worms and similar creatures; CL:條\|条[tiao2],隻\|只[zhi1]; (fig.) person with a particular undesirable characteristic
啃
身体	shēn tǐ	the body; one's health
成为	chéng wéi	to become; to turn into
空空	kōng kōng	empty; vacuous; nothing; vacant; in vain; all for nothing; air-to-air (missile)
茫	māng	vast, with no clear boundary; indistinct; confused
大	dà	big; large; great; older (than another person); eldest (as in 大姐[da4 jie3]); greatly; freely; fully; (dialect) father; (dialect) uncle (father's brother)
洞	dǒng	cave; zero (unambiguous spoken form when spelling out numbers)
长	cháng	long; (bound form) length; (bound form) strong point; forte; (bound form) to be good at; (literary) surplus; spare (Taiwan pr. [zhang4])
黑	Hēi	short name for Heilongjiang 黑龍江\|黑龙江[Hei1 long2 jiang1]
窗	chuāng	old variant of 窗[chuang1]; variant of 窗[chuang1]; window; CL:扇[shan4]
外	wài	outside; in addition; foreign; external
雨	yǔ	rain; CL:陣\|阵[zhen4],場\|场[chang2]
心里	xīn li	chest; heart; mind
永远	yǒng yuǎn	forever; eternal
滴	dī	to drip; to let drip; to apply (eye drops etc); (bound form) a drop (of liquid); classifier for drops of liquid
总	zǒng	(bound form) general; overall; to sum up; in every case; always; invariably; anyway; after all; eventually; sooner or later; surely; (after a person's name) abbr. for 總經理\|总经理[zong3…
心	xīn	heart; mind; intention; center; core; CL:顆\|颗[ke1],個\|个[ge4]
自言	zì yán	to say (sth that relates to oneself)
自语	zì yǔ	to talk to oneself
感	gǎn	to feel; to move; to touch; to affect; feeling; emotion; (suffix) sense of ~
谢	Xiè	surname Xie
上天	shàng tiān	Heaven; Providence; God; the sky above; to fly skywards; (euphemism) to die; to pass away; the previous day (or days)
今日	jīn rì	today
痛	tòng	ache; pain; sorrow; deeply; thoroughly
忍	rén	to bear; to tolerate
受	shòu	to receive; to accept; to suffer; subjected to; to bear; to stand; pleasant; (passive marker); (LGBT) bottom
分	fēn	to divide; to separate; to distribute; to allocate; to distinguish (good and bad); (bound form) branch of (an organization); sub- (as in 分局[fen1 ju2]); fraction; one tenth (of cert…
分钟	fēn zhōng	minute
长夜	cháng yè	long dark night; fig. long period of misery and oppression
万万	wàn wàn	hundred million; (fig.) enormous quantity; absolutely; certainly (usually followed by a negative expression)
幸好	xìng hǎo	fortunately
这些	zhè xiē	these
轮	lūn	wheel; disk; ring; to take turns; to rotate
到	dào	to reach; to arrive; to leave for; to go to; to (a place); until (a time); up to (a point); (verb complement indicating arriving at a place or reaching a point); considerate; thoug…
要是	yào shi	(coll.) if
拚
跟上	gēn shàng	to catch up with; to keep pace with
帝	dǐ	(bound form) emperor; sovereign; supreme deity
争	zhēng	to strive for; to vie for; to argue or debate; deficient or lacking (dialect); how or what (literary)
换	huàn	to exchange; to change (clothes etc); to substitute; to switch; to convert (currency)
尚	Shàng	surname Shang
且	qiě	and; moreover; yet; for the time being; to be about to; both (... and...)
如此	rú cǐ	like this; so; such
先	xiān	beforehand; first; earlier; at first; originally; for the time being; for now; (prefix) my late (in referring to deceased relatives older than oneself)
走	zǒu	to walk; to go; to run; to move (of vehicle); to visit; to leave; to go away; to die (euph.); from; through; away (in compound verbs, such as 撤走[che4 zou3]); to change (shape, form…
步	Bù	surname Bu
及	jí	and; to reach; up to; in time for
情况	qíng kuàng	circumstances; state of affairs; situation; CL:種\|种[zhong3]
怀	huāi	bosom; heart; to cherish; to carry (in the mind or womb); surname Huai
疑	yí	(bound form) to doubt; to suspect
辛劳	xīn láo	laborious
半生	bàn shēng	half a lifetime
之	zhī	(possessive particle, literary equivalent of 的[de5]); him; her; it
付	Fù	surname Fu
全部	quán bù	whole; all
女	nu:3	female; woman; daughter
慰	wěi	to comfort; to reassure
藉
完全	wán quán	complete; whole; totally; entirely
丧	sǎng	mourning; (old) corpse
尖	jiān	pointed; tapering; sharp; (of a sound) shrill; piercing; (of one's hearing, sight etc) sharp; acute; keen; to make (one's voice) shrill; sharp point; tip; the best of sth; the crea…
锐	ruǐ	acute
打击	dǎ jī	to hit; to strike; to attack; to crack down on sth; blow; (psychological) shock; percussion (music)
由	yóu	to follow; from; because of; due to; by; via; through; (before a noun and a verb) it is for ... to ...
承	chēng	to bear; to carry; to undertake; to inherit; to continue
那是	nà shi	(coll.) of course; naturally; indeed
太	tài	highest; greatest; too (much); very; extremely
残酷	cán kù	cruel; harsh; merciless
不公	bù gōng	unjust; unfair
平	Píng	surname Ping
半	bàn	half; semi-; incomplete; (after a number) and a half
途	tū	way; road
折	zhē	to snap; (bound form) to sustain a loss (in business)
翼	Yì	surname Yi; alternative name for 絳\|绛[Jiang4], the capital of the Jin State during the Spring and Autumn Period (770–475 BC)
强	qiāng	strong; powerful; vigorous; better; to force (qiang3); stubborn (jiang4); surname Qiang
迫	pǒ	to oppress
相	Xiāng	surname Xiang
依	yi	to depend on; according to
妻	qī	(bound form) wife
即	jí	namely; that is; i.e.; prompt; at once; at present; even if; prompted (by the occasion); to approach; to come into contact; to assume (office); to draw near
灵	līng	quick; efficacious; to come true; departed soul
怎	zěn	how
伤	shāng	to injure; injury; wound
痕	hēn	scar
烙
印	Yìn	surname Yin; abbr. for 印度[Yin4 du4], India
消	xiāo	to diminish; to subside; to consume; to reduce; to idle away (the time); (after 不[bu4] or 只[zhi3] or 何[he2] etc) to need; to require; to take
余生	yú shēng	the remaining years of one's life; survival (after a disaster)
丝	si	silk; classifier: a trace (of smoke etc), a tiny bit etc
笑容	xiào róng	smile; smiling expression; CL:副[fu4]
更是	gèng shì	even more (so)
一些	yī xiē	some; a few; a little; (following an adjective) slightly ...er
带	dài	band; belt; girdle; ribbon; tire; area; zone; region; CL:條\|条[tiao2]; to wear; to carry; to take along; to bear (i.e. to have); to lead; to bring; to look after; to raise
苦	kǔ	bitter; hardship; pain; to suffer; to bring suffering to; painstakingly
劫	jiē	to rob; to plunder; calamity; disaster; to coerce
难	nán	difficult (to...); problem; difficulty; difficult; not good
每	měi	each; every
想起	xiǎng qǐ	to recall; to think of; to call to mind
毕	Bì	surname Bi
竟	jǐng	unexpectedly; to go so far as to
比较	bǐ jiào	to compare; to contrast; comparatively; relatively; quite; comparison
留下	líu xià	to leave behind; to stay behind; to remain; to keep; not to let (sb) go
并	bìng	and; furthermore; also; together with; (not) at all; simultaneously; to combine; to join; to merge; to combine; to amalgamate; short name for Taiyuan 太原[Tai4 yuan2]; variant of 並\|并[bing4]
者	zhě	(after a verb or adjective) one who (is) ...; (after a noun) person involved in ...; -er; -ist; (used after a number or 後\|后[hou4] or 前[qian2] to refer to sth mentioned previously);…
彻	chě	thorough; to pervade
切	qiē	to cut; to slice; to carve; (math.) tangential
肤	fū	skin
疼痛	téng tòng	pain; (of a body part) to be painful; to be sore; to hurt; (of a person) to be in pain
要说	yào shuō	as for; when it comes to
为了	wèi le	for; for the purpose of; in order to
缘	yuān	cause; karma; predestined affinity; hem; along
故	gù	happening; instance; reason; cause; intentional; former; old; friend; therefore; hence; (of people) to die, dead
永别	yǒng bié	to part forever; eternal parting (i.e. death)
杯	bēi	cup; trophy cup; classifier for certain containers of liquids: glass, cup; variant of 杯[bei1]; variant of 杯[bei1]; trophy cup; classifier for certain containers of liquids: glass, cup
还是	hái shi	still (as before); had better; unexpectedly; or
喝	hē	to drink; variant of 嗬[he1]
吧	bā	bar (loanword) (serving drinks, or providing Internet access etc); to puff (on a pipe etc); (onom.) bang; abbr. for 貼吧\|贴吧[tie1 ba1]
愿	yuàn	honest and prudent; variant of 願\|愿[yuan4]; (bound form) wish; hope; desire; to be willing; to wish (that sth may happen); may ...; vow; pledge
意	yì	(bound form) idea; thought; meaning; sense; (bound form) intention; feeling; inclination; state of mind; (bound form) Italy (abbr. for 意大利[Yi4 da4 li4])
圆环	yuán huán	ring (any circular object); (math.) annulus; (Tw) traffic circle; rotary
离世	lí shì	(archaic) to live in seclusion; to pass away
已	yǐ	already; to stop; then; afterwards
尝	chāng	to taste; to try (food); (literary) ever; once
留	líu	old variant of 留[liu2]; to leave (a message etc); to retain; to stay; to remain; to keep; to preserve
瞑
目的	mù dì	purpose; aim; goal; target; objective
牵	qiān	to lead along; to pull (an animal on a tether); (bound form) to involve; to draw in
挂	guà	to hang; to suspend (from a hook etc); to hang up (the phone); (of a line) to be dead; to be worried; to be concerned; (dialect) to make a phone call; to register (at a hospital); …
不舍	bù shě	reluctant to part with (sth or sb); unwilling to let go of
所以	suǒ yǐ	therefore; as a result; so; the reason why
暂	zǎn	temporary
鸟	diǎo	variant of 屌[diao3]; penis
翅	chì	variant of 翅[chi4]; (bound form) wing (of a bird or insect)
膀	báng	upper arm
断	duàn	to break; to snap; to cut off; to give up or abstain from sth; to judge; (usu. used in the negative) absolutely; definitely; decidedly
羽毛	yǔ máo	feather; plumage; plume
脱	tuō	to shed; to take off; to escape; to get away from
另	lìng	other; another; separate; separately
一半	yī bàn	half
可以	kě yǐ	can; may; possible; able to; not bad; pretty good
比翼	bǐ yì	(flying) wing to wing
颗	ke	classifier for small spheres, pearls, corn grains, teeth, hearts, satellites etc
碎	suì	(transitive or intransitive) to break into pieces; to shatter; to crumble; broken; fragmentary; scattered; garrulous
成片	chéng piàn	(of a large number of things) to form an expanse; to cover an area
珍宝	zhēn bǎo	a treasure
死去	sǐ qù	to die
放弃	fàng qì	to renounce; to abandon; to give up
超	chao	to exceed; to surpass; to pass; ultra-
越	Yuè	generic word for peoples or states of south China or south Asia at different historical periods; abbr. for Vietnam 越南
时空	shí kōng	time and place; world of a particular locale and era; (physics) space-time
地方	dì fāng	region; regional (away from the central administration); local
六	lìu	six; 6
张	Zhāng	surname Zhang
温	wen	warm; temperate; temperature; to warm up; to review; surname Wen
柔	róu	soft; flexible; supple; yielding; rho (Greek letter Ρρ)
迎	yíng	to welcome; to meet; to forge ahead (esp. in the face of difficulties); to meet face to face
入	rù	to enter; to go into; to join; to become a member of; (bound form) to conform to (as in 入時\|入时[ru4 shi2]); abbr. for 入聲\|入声[ru4 sheng1]; (on product packaging, after {number n} + {cl…
永	yǒng	forever; always; perpetual
恒	hēng	permanent; constant; perseverance; surname Heng
那时	nà shí	then; at that time; in those days
哭	kū	to cry; to weep
喊	hǎn	to yell; to shout; to call out for (a person)
妈妈	mā ma	mama; mommy; mother; CL:個\|个[ge4],位[wei4]
回顾	huí gù	to look back; to review
狂奔	kuáng bēn	to run like crazy; to rush
文字	wén zì	character; script; writing; written language; writing style; phraseology; CL:個\|个[ge4]
原	Yuán	surname Yuan; (Japanese surname) Hara
绝了	jué le	(slang) awesome; dope
假	gēi	used in 假掰[gei1 bai1]; to borrow (variant of 假[jia3])
艰难	jiān nán	difficult; arduous; hard
空虚	kōng xū	hollow; emptiness; meaningless
死别	sǐ bié	to be parted by death
一个人	yī gè rén	by oneself (without assistance); alone (without company)
当	dāng	(onom.) dong; ding dong (bell); to be; to act as; manage; withstand; when; during; ought; should; match equally; equal; same; obstruct; just at (a time or place); on the spot; right; just at
胜	shèng	victory; success; to beat; to defeat; to surpass; victorious; superior to; to get the better of; better than; surpassing; superb (of vista); beautiful (scenery); wonderful (view); …
于	Yú	surname Yu; (of time or place) in; at; on; (indicating any indirect relation) to; toward; vis-à-vis; with regard to; for; (indicating a source) from; out of; (used in comparison) than; (used i…
看见	kàn jiàn	to see; to catch sight of
诚	chēng	(bound form) sincere; authentic
时日	shí rì	time; auspicious time; time and date; long period of time; this day
长久	cháng jǐu	long-time; long-term; lasting; enduring; permanent; for a long time
年岁	nián suì	years of age; age
之下	zhī xià	under; beneath; less than
轻言	qīng yán	to say, without careful consideration
答应	dā ying	to answer; to respond; to answer positively; to agree; to accept; to promise
那边	nà bian	over there; yonder
等	děng	to wait for; to await; by the time; when; till; and so on; etc.; et al.; (bound form) class; rank; grade; (bound form) equal to; same as; (used to end an enumeration); (literary) (…
诺	nuǒ	to consent; (literary) yes!
盼	pǎn	to hope for; to expect
望	wàng	full moon; to hope; to expect; to visit; to gaze (into the distance); to look towards; towards; 15th day of month (lunar calendar); old variant of 望[wang4]

Over a year ago, some periodical asked me to write a piece, with the topic determined in advance: “If you only had three months to live, what would you do?” I considered this for some while, but still haven’t written my answer [literally: “filled out the exam paper”].

Jose heard of this whole affair, and [becoming] curious, he also asked me, “What would you do?”

At the time, I was in the kitchen rolling dough. I raised a hand covered in specks of white powder, lightly touched his hair, and said slowly, “Silly, I won’t die, I still have to finish making you these dumplings!”

As soon as I said that, Jose suddenly got misty-eyed, and his arms wrapped around me and held me from behind, and he didn’t let go until the dumplings were on the table.

“Have you gone nuts?” I asked him with a smile, and his eyes suddenly turned red again. He also smiled, and then sat down opposite me without saying a word.

When I thought about the overdue draft again later, my answer [to the question posed] was still just as simple and obstinate: “I would hold on to my family and protect my husband. A responsible person has no right to die.”

Although being able to predict the time of my death is the way I’d prefer to end my own life, I still refuse to die. In this world, three other lives have been inextricably linked to my death: my father, my mother, and Jose. As long as any one of them is still alive, I must not die, even God cannot take me away, because I’m not willing [to go], and God understands that.

Talking to my parents in the depths of one evening, I said suddenly: “If I choose the path of suicide, please understand that, for me, that would be the luckiest way to return home.”

Hearing this, my mother burst into tears. She didn’t dare say anything that might rile me up, she just muttered again and again, “Please try again, just try again to keep living, it’s not that I’m not giving you a choice, but I beg you to try again.”

My father was different, he sat beneath the dim light, and almost unable to control his tone of voice, he said, “Speaking those heartless words is like asking your father to live in hell, and because you have already spoken them, I, this person who must be a father, will live in fear every day, not knowing which day I will suddenly lose my daughter. If you dare to destroy yourself, then you’re my enemy, not only my enemy in this life, but throughout the ages, because it would be you that killed by beloved daughter.”

My tears flowed like a waterfall then, I sat on the bed, and couldn’t speak a word in answer to my father. The room was dead silent, then my father stood up and slowly walked out. My mother’s face, seen through my shining tears, was quietly convulsing.

Good grief, I must be crazy to say such things to my parents.

I understood once again that in the hearts of those who love me, my life is important. My thoughts almost caused my parents – who have passed through so many vicissitudes and [lived so many] different lives – to crumble. They were unwilling to guard themselves against the wounds their daughter repeatedly inflicted on them, but I was only like that when it came to my husband. On so many nights when I lay dreaming of the past, I hid in the dark, nearly mad thinking of Jose, lovesickness slowly gnawing at my own body like a worm, until I became a big empty hole. The nights are so long, so dark, the rain outside the window was the tears in my heart, the day when it stops will never come. I’m always thinking of Jose, always saying to myself, “I thank God that I am the one alive today, if Jose was the one who had to endure night after long night, I absolutely could not accept it. Fortunately, it wasn’t his turn to [bear] all this, if it was him that had to live on like this, then I would struggle against heaven to switch places with him.”

Even though I lost Jose this way, if today I went first, then how would that [change] the situation for my father, my mother, and Jose? I’ve never doubted their love for me, and if I cause my parents to lose their beloved daughter after half a life of hard labor, after they had given their all, then their comfort and happiness would be utterly lost. [I can’t allow] them to bear such a sharp blow, that would be too cruel and too unfair.

If it was Jose [and not me] that had his wings broken halfway through his journey, if he was forced to lose the beloved wife on whom he depended, even if he went on living, what scars would [he carry] on his heart, what kind of brand? If Jose never smiled again for the rest of his life because I disappeared, then I certainly couldn’t die.

All this, and some other things, means that because my death would bring great pain to my parents, and great hardship, every time I think about it, I can’t bear it, can’t bear it, can’t bear it, can’t bear it. After all, those who leave first are the comparatively lucky ones, and the ones that are left aren’t the strong ones. But, in this heart-wrenching bitterness, in this cutting pain, I still must say, “Because of love, I’ll keep drinking from the bitter cup of farewells!”

In the circle of life that includes my father, mother, and husband, I’m willing to be the last one to leave this world. If I go first, and leave the cup of bitterness I’ve tasted to my living parents, then I won’t rest in peace, because I understand love, and my love is so deep, my concern and reluctance so long.

And so, I have no choice but to be a temporarily immortal bird, although my wings are broken, my feathers shed, and have no other half to fly beside me, my shattered heart is still my parent’s treasure, and [even if] the pain is greater, or the hurt [deeper], as long as they are unwilling for me to die, I won’t think of abandoning them again.

There will always be a day, in a place beyond our time and space, that six arms will warmly and peacefully welcome me into eternity. At that time, I will call out to them in tears and laughter, father, mother, Jose, and run to them without looking back.

This essay was originally supposed to be about something else, but I reject the fantasy that I only have three months to live. A life of difficulties, an empty heart, the repeated heartbreaks of saying goodbyes at death, all this I’ll take upon myself.

Father, mother, Jose, I love you more than my own life, I ask the heavens to see my sincerity, let me live long days upon this earth, protect my parents’ happiness and years, then I, under this responsibility, will never again lightly speak of disappearing and death.

Jose, you once agreed you would wait for me on the other side, and with this one promise, I still have one more thing to look forward to.

Essay: 《不死鸟》The Immortal Bird by Sanmao

《不bù死sǐ鸟diǎo》 ▸

Lesson vocabulary 497 words

《不bù死sǐ鸟diǎo》